A new year used to feel like such endless promise, but I
guess I am more jaded now. I am old
enough to understand how things can go to hell in a year. Heck, in a lot less than a year. I have 54 years of unmet promises and denied
desires under my belt now (and around my belt, but I digress …).
Still, every year, I start out longing to reconnect to that
sense of promise, that clean sense of beginning.
So, every year, I resolve to get out of debt, get out of
relationships that do not work, lose weight, be neater, be more successful in
my job. As if finances, relationships,
weight, cleanliness and work would guarantee me happiness and the life I want.
So, each year I start out so hopeful, and end up so
defeated. Because, it is not just the
reality of starting another year with all of the previous years’ resolutions
unmet – the weight of them both figuratively and literally -- it is the greater dream that is now denied, or
at least deferred. I HAD to get thinner
to be happy. I had to be cleaner to be
happy. I had to do [fill in blank with
failed resolution] to be HAPPY. So, I
failed. I failed at happy. Again.
I do not deserve happy. I will
never be happy. I will never, ever be
happy.
I do this to myself year after year. Set up self for defeat. Check.
Make little effort or no effort towards unattainable, improbable
goal. Check. Stress and fret over lack of progress. Check.
Loathe. Check. Assess progress. Check.
Become more defeated. Check and
double check. Surrender to defeat. Checkmate.
This year, I am taking a break from my failed
resolutions. I am not resolving to do
anything that ultimately puts me down, makes me unhappy, causes me pain, or
defeats me. No “x pounds lost by x date”
this year. No “x done by x date”
thinking. Instead, I am going to start to
take better care of myself. To eat
better food, so I feel better, so I enjoy eating more. Even though I am fat, I do not enjoy
eating. I resolve to wear cozier jammies
so that I sleep better. I do not sleep
well. I resolve to allow myself time to be still. I put incredible pressure on myself, and deny
myself relaxation time until I am totally stressed. I am a “white knuckle” relaxer. I will tell myself everyday (multiple times a
day, if necessary) that allowing myself these things is not failing at some
other unstated goal. That the only goal
is to get in touch with my “happy”. I
will start that search with finding my “comfortable” and will work on that for
a while.
Comfortable is better than defeated.
I have found that I cannot tell other how to treat me kindly
and well, because I just do not know how to do that when it comes to me. I do not expect others to be kind to me,
because I am so wrapped up in punishing and denying and hating myself. I have a translation problem with
myself. My inner self speaks “love me”
and “know me” and my daily self speaks “too busy” and “you are not worth it”.
It has always been easier for me to state what I do NOT
want. Oftentimes, loudly. But, that is mired in
negativity. Giving voice to all of those
horrible things I do not want. It makes those unwanted things more tangible. Yet, I rarely give voice to what I do want. It is not that I do not have hopes and dreams, but rather that I do not reveal them and rarely even whisper them to myself. I am basically unable to let the sun shine on my hopes and desires, afraid to put even the
slightest wish out there for scrutiny.
My scared inner self tells me, “If you do not state your desires, then
you do not have to put up with them being not met.” Which, of course, is true. But the other truth, the one I now realize
is the bigger truth – is that if you do not put your desires out there, they can never
be fulfilled. By anyone.
I want to be comforted and comfortable in 2013.
Wishing you a happy 2013 with good food, cozy jammies and
the stress-free time to enjoy them.
